a little out of my comfort zone....sort of?

i'm not one to go out of my way to greet anyone.  when i first moved to chicago, i walked down the street, with a smile on my face saying hello to strangers.   it was the thing to do, everyone back home did it.   back home was Lena, IL, then had a pop of 1250.  and everyone said hello each day, even if they didn't care for  you, were having an argument with you at the moment, your kid hurt their kid, whatever, it didn't matter.  you said hello, you went and grabbed a cup of coffee at one of a few places in town, and then you went to work.

i tried that when i got out here.  well, you know what happened.  i'm a freak, a stalker, a pickpocket, some survey girl that just wants to know their life history, going to spray them with some hideous perfume, you name it, i was "that"crazie.


so i retreated.  i got hard.   i learned to be comfortable in my solitude, preferring it actually.  i was never part of the "in" party crowd on layovers, i didn't drink in public, so i was always the odd man out.  i'd grab a bottle of wine where ever i was (i discovered some fantastic wines from small vinters on the north island in new zealand,and some more in australia and south africa.  i would find a park, enjoy my time, then go back to the hotel room and drink.  luckily, i wouuld do this on days when i would have a day on the ground to get it out of my system.    i can honestly say i only flew hung over once, and never again. that feeling is not for me.

it didn't take long to realize that this was beginning to become an issue.  i'd seen the signs with many flying partners.  it's a slowly developing pattern, gets to be more frequent, then totally out of control.  well frankly, i don't know if i have an issue with alcohol or not.  i do know that i have native american heritage, and therefore lack the enzyme necessary to metabolize alcohol, so i get drunk very quickly.  VERY QUICKLY.  and that builds up a tolerance, over time.  lots of time. and i also had two bouts of mononucleosis when i was in college, and i had scarring on my liver.  the last thing a 21 year old wants to hear is that they have to quit drinking.  so what did i do?  you guessed it, made friends with one of the fraternities on campus (i had a lot of big brothers, a lot of protection.   i was well taken care of, for the most part.) and i learned to drink like one of the guys.

i was sitting in my house that i had just bought, the night after  having dinner with a friend, and a bit too much sake with my sushi...or was it the sake i bought and had at home afterward, so i could appear to remain in control while i was out?  well, that was the last time.  the last drink.  i don't know, like i said, if i have an issue, i.e. if i'm an alcoholic, but i do know i don't like the feeling i get when i drink.  i do miss wine with dinner, i'll admit.  but the trade off isn't worth it.  i had a year of getting my liver enzymes monitored every 6-8 weeks, i've recovered from the scarring.  i've been on a few medications that require blood work for liver enzymes (i go in tomorrow for a monitoring blood draw, in fact.)

so i quit. i heard all the jokes and jibes.  i'm the wet rag, the "mother hen" the bore of the party, the party pooper.  sorry folks, i'm just the girl that wants to live to see her grandchildren.  and guess what?  i DID.  i've lived to see my first grandson.  and i'll live to see my daughter have children.  i'm rather satisfied with that.

so that led me on a quest.  i needed to reinforce my choice to not drink.  people frown on abstinence, and i don't understand why.  it's a personal choice, a very personal choice.  so i first tried one religion, but their patriarchal structure didn't sit well with me.  and then i started speaking to a few friends that were jewish.  well, that was out, because wine is at every celebration.  there's that abstinence thing again.  then i met P.  and she seemed to have it together.

it's post 9/11, we're in newark, at liberty international airport, at about 5:30 am.  no one is around.  NO ONE!  i went over to the gate that flight 93 left from.  there's an American flag flying at the end of the jetway, if you notice it, you'll know why.  we've since left that terminal, and it breaks my heart.  i went over to the gate, sat by myself and said a prayer.  that prayer went on forever, or it felt so.  P.  noticed me and came over and asked what i was doing.  i told her that was the gate, pointing to the flag.  at first, she didn't connect it, then she did.  then she reached over and took my hand and prayed with me.  we shed a few tears, got ourselves together, got on the plane and got to work.  it was on the way down the jetway that she told me.  she was Muslim.  she didn't know if the crew would accept her.  i told her of course we would, at least i would.  she had nothing to do with that day.  she spent the day with me in first class.  we spoke about religion and our feelings.  i asked some questions that i felt were just stupid questions, but she didn't think they were at all.  i'll remember that day forever.  it opened my eyes THAT much further.

so what does this have to do with my day yesterday?  my family and i were out shopping at a discount store.  all american looking.  my husband, in jeans, t-shirt, my daughter, blonde, blue eyed, me in a tank top and unbuttoned cardigan and jeans.  three men where by us at check out, obviously Muslim.  as they passed us on their way out, i just smiled and said, "Assalamu alaikum."  and this man, tall, think, very dark, dressed in a traditional dishdhasha, turned, surprised and responded with a smile, "Wa alaikum assalaam."

to some, that might not seem like much, but that was a sign of acceptance for me.  i had stepped outside my comfort zone, and greeted these men, and it was appreciated.  no longer dipping my toe in the pool?  i think i just stuck my foot in.  i'm picking my studies back up, getting back to masjid when i can.  that one is difficult with an eight year old who is very active!  i need to call P. and touch base with her.  and i need to call another friend that i haven't touched base with in a while.  and i need to try to set up my arabic lessons via skype with another friend.  oh, so much to do!  i'm definitely out of my comfort zone.  but it's now 7:26 am, and i've been up for over an hour now.  it's quiet, and i've gotten this post done, and i'm starting to get research on running shoes (YES!) started.  there's physical therapy today.  i need to talk to my therapists about something near and dear to my heart.  i have no idea what they'll say, but i have to talk to them.  another step outside my comfort zone.  but i got to comfortable for too long, and it shows.  boy oh boy, does it show.  2013 is going to be a year of hard work.  and hard earned rewards.  that's my goal.  and stepping outside that comfort zone.  you don't grow unless you take chances.  so chances and hard work are my tasks.  wish me luck.

strike two

oh, we've been bad.  we need to start this project over.  after i did more research and found our adjusted amount for WIC, i think we should start with the new year.  as soon as the receipts come in, they get tossed out.  so, we're starting anew.

hubby gets his weekly schedule each saturday.  if he has to work on saturday, it's only in the evening, so it's a perfect time to sit down, all three of us, go through sales flyers, organize shopping trips, menus and cooking.  i still need to learn how to do any sort of couponing, i never got good at that, and it's really important that i learn this skill.  i'll have to ask my friend jess if she can help.  i hope she can.

so we start simply.  as simply as we can.  we have t cut down on going out, definitely.  that never happened,  and we have to have accountability.   i don't want to be in this alone.   i sure hope this time i've got the support i need to make a go of this.

the view from dullsville

wow.  no one is reading.  and i haven't really done any work on our diet as a family.  and we haven't really settled our budgetary conflicts.  but i've decided to go ahead and start making plans to get gastric sleeve surgery.  i cannot lose weight, i'm having too many health issues and i want to be around for a while, so i can see my daughter grow up.

and i am tired of living in dullsville.  i want to be active.  swim. ski. hike.  again.  all that stuff i used to be able to do.  but now i can't.  so goodbye dullsville. see ya later.  i have much more important things to live for and to figure out.  like....why didn't i know about post partum girdles?  i wouldn't have this flap if i had.  boo.

revisionist thinking?

corey booker is doing the food stamp challenge, and being mocked by FOX news.  i use the word news, because that's what they call themselves, they're anything but news.  but it got me thinking, when i was reading the article.  if he qualifies for $133/mo as a single person, why do we, a family of 3, only qualify for $230?  something has to be wrong in this calculation.  we get less per person thank a single person?  shouldn't we qualify for MORE per person?  because it's supplemental, and the costs associated with having a family are GREATER than that of a single person, so why the penalization of supplemental nutritional funds?  i'm more than a bit confused.

needless to say, we've gone WAY  over budget.  how far, i don't know.  i'm having a difficult time getting my husband to sit down with me and add up the food bills.  he tends to be a "shop as you go" type of person, and i'm trying to break that habit.  we need to plan and purchase accordingly.  i can't get him on track with this.  it's frustrating and causing all kinds of friction, and yes, more than a few fights.

i almost gave up.  but i'm trying to push forward.  we're only purchasing meat when it's on sale.  i'm scouring sale flyers for the best deals, i've almost gotten all processed foods out of the house.  but the budget is the biggest sticking point.  i want to stick to a set amount, my husband keeps saying  it's , "supplemental" and we can spend what we need.  well, that's not the point of this exercise, is it?  if we do that, why bother?

so i need help, suggestions, ideas.  i need to get him back on board, the man that was so gung-ho about this project.  the first month was a disaster, not a huge one, but we didn't stick to any sort of budget.  i didn't get any help with that.  our second month needs to improve.  so if you can give me some ideas, i'd appreciate them.  i'm just about researched out.  i can only spend so much time looking for answers to questions, and getting a stonewall back as an answer.  it's so frustrating.  so i'm reaching out to anyone that is reading for ANY ideas.  help me cut our food budget, stick to the budget, save money, ANYTHING.  i don't want to give up, because i think there is a valuable lesson to be learned in this project.  i just feel like i'm being sabotaged.  and it's really beginning to get old, and hurt.


post script:  after much more researching, the original site that i used to calculate our SNAP allowance has been taken down.  this was run by the state of Nevada, where we reside.  i went to the USDA SNAP website, and by their guidelines, we could receive up to $526/mo.  now THIS makes much more sense.  we've had a very brief discussion, and we've talked about putting $121/wk aside, and keeping track of our spending in this manner.  we still need to finish our pantry inventory, the fighting just wasn't worth it at the time.  at this time, i'm more angry that the information i initially had was SO incorrect, and such a source of discord in our family.  we all thought that it was just a ridiculous sum, but that was the information the state was supplying.  now, i wish i could find that website, so i could prove that i'm not crazy!  a sigh of relief, as i know i can make $526/mo go much further.  anything left over will go into savings.  and i am hoping we will have money left over.  but i'm sticking to my guns.  no "shop as you go" strategy.  we have to plan very carefully and think about every purchase we make.  some will be more popular than others, but our daughter is just going to have to expand her taste experiences and try new things.  personally, i'm a bit tired of broccoli!

the road to hell is paved with....sweet potatoes?

okay, i think we blew the budget today.  we had such GOOD intentions.  really, really good intentions. let's hope the cold snap holds for a while, because i've got everything in a box on the patio.  let me explain:


we have a local pick and pay orchard here in town.  it's a great place.  i've been trying to get hubby to go for a while now.  we decided to get up today, as next weekend is the last saturday for the year.  i *think* i got some decent rest, i'm not sure.  but i got out of bed without too much of a struggle, got dressed, insisted on something other than doughnut shop coffee (YUCK!) and we were off.  i wanted to show little one where some of our food comes from and how we can pick and process it ourselves.   she had a blast!  first stop was the granny smith apples.  we all love granny smith apples.  everyone kept saying there were huge apples, but we went for some smaller ones, because they are great lunchbox size.  and now i have to bake a pie.  that's okay, we have pie crust in the freezer.  remember the rules?  have to use up the processed stuff first!  lucky hubby, he gets apple pie.  seven pounds later....we move on to sweet potatoes.

now THIS is what i came for.  and we really didn't get that many.  but the ones we DID get?  big enough that one will fit the bill for an entire meal for all three of us.  i think that's pretty efficient.  they are big, beautiful, and just in time for winter.  yum.  next, zucchini.  little one scored.  she was a master at spotting the PERFECT zucchini.  not too big, not too small.  just the right size.  she'll be rewarded with chocolate zucchini bread for sure.  such a help to her mom.  AND she found the eggplant.  they were on the smaller size.  i can't remember the name, but they are a traditional round eggplant.  i am hoping i can find some recipe that hubby will try, as his experiences with eggplant have not been that great.  we only picked four, as not to over do it.

total damage for the produce?  $18.00.  BUT, it's locally grown, pesticide free, organically grown and we're supporting a small business.  that makes me feel good.  then we drove over to the farm.  it's actually called The Farm.  another small business that sells produce, honey (raw, unfiltered, from their own hives.  if i get in a pinch and i can't get it from my usual honey man, i can get it there because they are pricier.)  they have chickens roaming freely, a vietnamese potbellied pig named violet that LOVES butternut squash, ethel and mabel, their two holstein cows, some horses, a llama, a few peacock families, including mama pearl and her babies.   mama pearl is very protective, so when she's around, everyone has to stop moving.  you don't want to get between pearl and her babies!  and a HUGE rooster, who is recovering from coyote injuries.  little one suggested a name for him, and i think it's going to stick.  she tagged him "big murray."  the owners seemed to like the name.  that's my girl.  we bought a dozen eggs.  farm fresh eggs, i haven't had these since i was a kid!  they were pricey, we won't make this splurge that often, unless they're REALLY GOOD EGGS.  $5.50/dozen.

so tomorrow i have to sit down and total up what we have left of our budget.  i suspect there isn't much left of that budget.  i think we really blew the first month.  but hey, it's a learning experience.  and i've packed all the produce in a cardboard box, brown paper and old bed sheets and set it outside, so we'll have it for a while.  another reason to get the *&^$ out of this city, i need a root cellar.  i'm hoping we have cooler temps for a while, so we'll have produce for a while.  i know the sweet potatoes will keep, and i'm going to have to use the zucchini within 2-3 weeks, if the weather holds.  the apples, if this is it for the warmer weather, they'll be good for a few months, but they won't last that long!

so, do i feel bad about wrecking my budget or feel good about supporting small, local businesses and getting some really great produce into my family's diet?  i'm trying to be an optimist these days.  i'll go with the latter.  besides, it was a great way to spend the day together, and that's what really matters.

lessons in budgeting 101

today was a challenge.  i was good, i was bad.  i had a medical appointment, and after that we wandered down the street to a farmer's market.  it seemed to me that most of the produce was way overpriced, so we didn't buy any.  but then i spied it.  honey.  not just honey, local DESERT HONEY! from all the pollens that are located naturally here in the mojave.  just what you need to strengthen your immune system.  okay, i blew the budget.  i should have just gotten the MEGA HUGE jar, but i went with the bear and a smaller jar, which ended up costing me $2 more.  i thought i could encourage little one to use the honey bear a little bit more if it was sitting there on the counter.  it's cute, it's friendly, it's a honey bear, for cripes sake.  spring will be here before we know it, so it's time to get some good local honey in all of us so our allergies won't act up come spring.   and i bought a baguette, which really didn't kill the budget.  that got divided into thirds, two thirds went in the freezer, and we had some bread tonight.  little one with her pasta bolognese, and me with my brie.  we'll have to add up what we've spent, but i think we've spent over half of our budget, and it's only the eighth of the month.  like i said, this is going to be a long learning experience.

so now, we've got to tighten our belts EVEN MORE.  i'm getting good at stretching one chicken breast so it feeds all three of us.  meat is getting to be less and less of a central aspect of our meals.  i've got a batch of kidney beans par boiled in the fridge, ready to be made into red beans and rice.  i just found a coupon in a magazine for $1 chicken sausage.  yes, i know that's not authentic, but it will be an introduction for little one, so that might be a good idea.  she's not opposed to the idea, so i'm good with that.

we're eating more rice, i've noticed.  i'm going to slowly make the switch to brown rice to bump up the nutritional value in our meals.  i'm going to have to reacquire my taste for it, and teach everyone else to like it, too.  so i see lots of beans and rice in our future.  and i'm going to have to break out the quinoa, too.  you can't go wrong with quinoa as a source of protein, as far as grains go.  now, if i can just get them to EAT IT.

so, 22 days left in the month, right around $100, give or take....i think it's less.  we're going to have to really take stock of what's in the house (we haven't finished that inventory yet.)  we have to go through the freezer and the cabinets, check what's good, bad, toss, donate, clear out, organize, you name it.  we've gotten two cabinets done, and that's a good start.

now, if i could just get a good night's sleep, i'd be unstoppable!

election night avoidance

okay, we caved.  i had an assessment for physical therapy today, and the whole fam went with.  little one was out of school for a staff development day.  so my appointment ran late, we were hungry and little one wanted ramen.  okay.  we can get ramen.  it's not that expensive, we know the staff, it's good quality, but there's that pork thing again.  i'm never going to get that pig off my back.  she and i split a bowl, she had some rice, hubby had his usual.  lots of giggles, we were sated.

and then we caved again.  we couldn't get on the expressway to go home, it was moving at a snails pace.  side streets it was.  and one just happened to take us past the restaurant that hubby works at.  dessert, anyone?  why not?  we get a decent discount.  and it's pumpkin season, need i say more?  gelato for little one, upside down apple pie a la mode for hubby and pumpkin cheesecake (to die for!) for me.  and a decade cappuccino.  i know, why bother?  take all the fun out of it without the caffeine.  but i want to sleep at some point!

restaurants don't figure into the SNAP challenge.  i'm trying to figure out if we should have a penalty for going out and off the program, that we pay back to ourselves.  we found a way to waste a few more hours, came home and got little one to bed.  hubby and i made musubi for her lunches.  yes, i give my kid spam.  very rarely.  it's a hawaiian thing, and she loves it.  she has it maybe once every three months, so i don't feel too guilty about it.  i made her favorite croissants.  i par cooked a batch of kidney beans that i'll finish tomorrow for red beans and rice.  we have to pick up sausage for that, but everything else is in the house.  i don't think we're doing too badly.  little one is going through a growth spurt, her appetite is off the charts!  she just confessed that she doesn't like tuna salad sandwiches (with the exception of subway's) in her lunch.  so cue the musubi.  and now we have to figure out a lot of things to start putting in her lunch.  she can't take mac and cheese every day.  i guess i'll have to whip up a batch of chicken noodle soup and sees if that works.  she can be so picky!  but the good thing is she won't eat her "treat" if she doesn't eat the main part of her lunch.  we've taught her well.


so we avoided most of the election nonsense.  we came home just in time to see President Obama declared the winner.  and little one gave us a smile in her sleep when daddy told her.  she likes President Obama.  she thinks it's pretty cool that we have a president that's mixed race, just as she is.  she feels a special bond, my girl does.  so this day is history.  we voted.  and i'm glad that as many people voted as did.  we still need to get more politically active in this country.  and i still need to quit pork.  let's hope it doesn't take another four years.