i'm not one to go out of my way to greet anyone. when i first moved to chicago, i walked down the street, with a smile on my face saying hello to strangers. it was the thing to do, everyone back home did it. back home was Lena, IL, then had a pop of 1250. and everyone said hello each day, even if they didn't care for you, were having an argument with you at the moment, your kid hurt their kid, whatever, it didn't matter. you said hello, you went and grabbed a cup of coffee at one of a few places in town, and then you went to work.
i tried that when i got out here. well, you know what happened. i'm a freak, a stalker, a pickpocket, some survey girl that just wants to know their life history, going to spray them with some hideous perfume, you name it, i was "that"crazie.
so i retreated. i got hard. i learned to be comfortable in my solitude, preferring it actually. i was never part of the "in" party crowd on layovers, i didn't drink in public, so i was always the odd man out. i'd grab a bottle of wine where ever i was (i discovered some fantastic wines from small vinters on the north island in new zealand,and some more in australia and south africa. i would find a park, enjoy my time, then go back to the hotel room and drink. luckily, i wouuld do this on days when i would have a day on the ground to get it out of my system. i can honestly say i only flew hung over once, and never again. that feeling is not for me.
it didn't take long to realize that this was beginning to become an issue. i'd seen the signs with many flying partners. it's a slowly developing pattern, gets to be more frequent, then totally out of control. well frankly, i don't know if i have an issue with alcohol or not. i do know that i have native american heritage, and therefore lack the enzyme necessary to metabolize alcohol, so i get drunk very quickly. VERY QUICKLY. and that builds up a tolerance, over time. lots of time. and i also had two bouts of mononucleosis when i was in college, and i had scarring on my liver. the last thing a 21 year old wants to hear is that they have to quit drinking. so what did i do? you guessed it, made friends with one of the fraternities on campus (i had a lot of big brothers, a lot of protection. i was well taken care of, for the most part.) and i learned to drink like one of the guys.
i was sitting in my house that i had just bought, the night after having dinner with a friend, and a bit too much sake with my sushi...or was it the sake i bought and had at home afterward, so i could appear to remain in control while i was out? well, that was the last time. the last drink. i don't know, like i said, if i have an issue, i.e. if i'm an alcoholic, but i do know i don't like the feeling i get when i drink. i do miss wine with dinner, i'll admit. but the trade off isn't worth it. i had a year of getting my liver enzymes monitored every 6-8 weeks, i've recovered from the scarring. i've been on a few medications that require blood work for liver enzymes (i go in tomorrow for a monitoring blood draw, in fact.)
so i quit. i heard all the jokes and jibes. i'm the wet rag, the "mother hen" the bore of the party, the party pooper. sorry folks, i'm just the girl that wants to live to see her grandchildren. and guess what? i DID. i've lived to see my first grandson. and i'll live to see my daughter have children. i'm rather satisfied with that.
so that led me on a quest. i needed to reinforce my choice to not drink. people frown on abstinence, and i don't understand why. it's a personal choice, a very personal choice. so i first tried one religion, but their patriarchal structure didn't sit well with me. and then i started speaking to a few friends that were jewish. well, that was out, because wine is at every celebration. there's that abstinence thing again. then i met P. and she seemed to have it together.
it's post 9/11, we're in newark, at liberty international airport, at about 5:30 am. no one is around. NO ONE! i went over to the gate that flight 93 left from. there's an American flag flying at the end of the jetway, if you notice it, you'll know why. we've since left that terminal, and it breaks my heart. i went over to the gate, sat by myself and said a prayer. that prayer went on forever, or it felt so. P. noticed me and came over and asked what i was doing. i told her that was the gate, pointing to the flag. at first, she didn't connect it, then she did. then she reached over and took my hand and prayed with me. we shed a few tears, got ourselves together, got on the plane and got to work. it was on the way down the jetway that she told me. she was Muslim. she didn't know if the crew would accept her. i told her of course we would, at least i would. she had nothing to do with that day. she spent the day with me in first class. we spoke about religion and our feelings. i asked some questions that i felt were just stupid questions, but she didn't think they were at all. i'll remember that day forever. it opened my eyes THAT much further.
so what does this have to do with my day yesterday? my family and i were out shopping at a discount store. all american looking. my husband, in jeans, t-shirt, my daughter, blonde, blue eyed, me in a tank top and unbuttoned cardigan and jeans. three men where by us at check out, obviously Muslim. as they passed us on their way out, i just smiled and said, "Assalamu alaikum." and this man, tall, think, very dark, dressed in a traditional dishdhasha, turned, surprised and responded with a smile, "Wa alaikum assalaam."
to some, that might not seem like much, but that was a sign of acceptance for me. i had stepped outside my comfort zone, and greeted these men, and it was appreciated. no longer dipping my toe in the pool? i think i just stuck my foot in. i'm picking my studies back up, getting back to masjid when i can. that one is difficult with an eight year old who is very active! i need to call P. and touch base with her. and i need to call another friend that i haven't touched base with in a while. and i need to try to set up my arabic lessons via skype with another friend. oh, so much to do! i'm definitely out of my comfort zone. but it's now 7:26 am, and i've been up for over an hour now. it's quiet, and i've gotten this post done, and i'm starting to get research on running shoes (YES!) started. there's physical therapy today. i need to talk to my therapists about something near and dear to my heart. i have no idea what they'll say, but i have to talk to them. another step outside my comfort zone. but i got to comfortable for too long, and it shows. boy oh boy, does it show. 2013 is going to be a year of hard work. and hard earned rewards. that's my goal. and stepping outside that comfort zone. you don't grow unless you take chances. so chances and hard work are my tasks. wish me luck.
